The Best of Intentions or what I won’t do for love

I swear I’m not a curmudgeon about love and romance. I’m pretty damn sentimental but I do have limits.

 A few months ago we were at the local dance hall and all of the sudden some guy took the mike from the band and proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of the dance floor. What sweet intentions, he wanted the world to know how much he loved his girlfriend and wanted to spend the rest of his life loving her. I was surrounded by ohhhs and ahhhs but I just wanted to crawl into the floor. Oh my goodness, what if she said “no” in the parking lot after they left because the “yes” she gave him was a polite effort to save his public face? I’ve never understood those big romantic public gestures and I must put my discomfort out there because I’ve never been on the receiving end of a big public display of affection. Don’t laugh and shake your head, because even our Lady of the Overshare has her limits.

Relationship laundry:

Airing grievances or airing great passion makes me twitch when it appears in my newsfeed on Facebook. It’s one thing to wish one another happy birthdays or happy anniversaries but those posts one to another about how “you complete me” “I’ll love you forever and ever!!” makes me uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as people publicly and passionately grappling and kissing. What are they trying to prove?

But I would rather read the smarmy treacle between lovers than passive-aggressive digs. Fortunately, the nature of my friends on Facebook are by and large respectful and positive types so it wouldn’t occur to them to take a private skirmish public on social media.

And speaking of oversharing: the other things I won’t do for love:

• Sex on a beach (because the idea is much better than the reality) (and I’m extremely open-minded about sex in places other than a bed)
• I won’t pretend to enjoy sports or live sporting events except maybe opening day at Coors Field. And I go for the beer and people watching rather than the baseball.
• Veganism? Nope. I’ll stay at the top of the food chain and my carbon footprint will make my ass look as big as a beef cow.
• Love for hardcore conservatives like Reagan as the best president ever in the history of the Universe? I’ll give up meat first.
• Love for hardcore liberals? I would rather have post coital sand in my bum.
• Public music dedicated to me publicly? Oh please no. Just no. Wait staff singing at the table. Big Nope. If you call the mariachis to the table it better be an ironic joke like calling me “Mother”.
• Public open-mouthed kisses. You get a hall pass if alcohol has been involved. But if I’m that drunk I should be put to bed. For sleep. If you just can’t stop yourself we should go home. Not for sleep.
• Share food on the same fork? Urm…big nope. Yeah I realize I might have had my tongue in your mouth about ten minutes before dinner but I’ll use my own fork if I want a taste of your entrée and I’ll ask first.
• I realize I’ve been a nurse for over three decades and I appreciate you appreciate my expertise but I would rather not discuss anyone’s most intimate bathroom functions outside of a clinical setting.  Just not that interested in your body like that.
• Please don’t feed me unless I’ve lost the use of my hands via brain injury. It wasn’t sexy when Mickey Rourke did it to Kim Bassinger and it’s still not sexy. It kinda ranks up there with wait staff or Mariachis singing at my public dining table or sex on the beach. Yuck.
• If proof of my love for you equals jumping out of an airplane or off a cliff into a body of water I’m not your girl.

But I might be convinced to jump out of a big cake because that would be funny and doesn’t seem to happen much anymore.

Yeah, I would totally jump out of a cake.