A few weeks ago, I noticed a lengthy article on that boyfriend’s frig. I wasn’t surprised he had a list of do’s and don’ts for the perfect wife because he has that kind of humor even if he’s never been married. It’s from a 1950’s textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. What’s really scary is I used to do about 1/2 of these things in the 1990’s when I was married and at home with small children:
Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. On time is usually a stretch for me. Everything cooked and hot is about as good as it gets.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. I’m not a terribly “gay” person and he would think I had been hitting the bourbon or popping muscle relaxers before he arrived.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. This is just hilarious. Clear the clutter. Dust? LMAO The benefit of two households forever and ever? All his clutter isn’t my monkey or my circus.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Thank God, no small children. I told him it was going to be difficult to get Harley to cooperate with a face washing. Bea worships me and would probably let me wash her face.
Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. I’m always happy to see him! Again the benefit of NOT seeing each other every day. But even towards the end of my marriage I was always happy to see my husband because it was another set of hands to contend with Evan aka Mr. Busy and Pearce aka Rudely Curt.
Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. While I’m messing about with this post he is working cattle. I have no complaints. But I’m gonna stop him at the door and make him wash his hands before he touches anything. Because cow poop and cow spit.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. This is so 50-shades of Grey-91/2 Weeks-Story of O that I laughed until I cried when I reread this the other day. The only thing missing is mention of the corset, lace panties, and leather cuffs; and “present him with his favorite flogger because chances are you missed a spot on little Susie’s face when you washed it. Naughty, naughty girl.”
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Damn I really hate this one. But hey that’s what I have a blog for! I can complain on the blog and just blandly nod with a quiet “yes dear”. Easy-peasy.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. So it’s not a good idea to have car keys in hand, dressed to the nines for an evening out? Hmm…maybe this is why I’ve been married a couple of times.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. Maybe I’m just a big ole co-dependent but I can’t imagine trying to make a home chaotic and jumbled. This feels like a no-brainer to me.