I logged in my paying job computer system one morning a couple of Wednesdays ago and my desktop was gone. My pretty screensaver was a generic Windows thingy and all my files and shortcuts were gone. My outlook mail and calendar was gone too. At first I was: “Wow this is how they fire people? Awesome! I don’t have to work today. But a phone call would have been nice. I could have made some plane reservations for this morning. I could be on a plane to Mexico! Damn those people for not calling me and telling me we are parting ways and I get to look for employment opportunities elsewhere.” I called my boss and she didn’t mention I was fired but she did relate other people were having the same issue. Hooray! I’m not alone! Hooray? I’m not unemployed?
A thirty minute hold for an IT analyst made me a little calmer about the loss of my calendar and emails. Maybe it was the meditation music I played the background acting like acoustic Xanax. Maybe I realized how delightfully uncluttered my desktop was without rows and rows of folders and links and documents I may or may not ever use again. On a whim I started searching for folders I knew I must find again and viola they would pop up! Completely uncompromised. Good thing I started the heavy lifting because the analyst had a very succinct root cause for this hiccup:
“We aren’t really sure why this happened.”
Just before I bade my new BFF analyst good day, I felt a warm rush of energy and and asked him to wait just a minute, I wanted to try Outlook one more time.
“I don’t know why but I have a feeling.”
“At this point metaphysical works for me.”
(He got a belly laugh out of me for that)
I logged into Outlook again and it sprang back to life! All of my mail and everything was there!
“Outlook was pining for the fjords.”
(That got a belly laugh out of him)
I spent the rest of my day reconstructing and reconfiguring my blank slate. It felt freeing to create different folders and such for my “very important nursing stuff” and my “very important insurance stuff.” It was like I had managed to gently erase an over busy picture. But I erased it so gently it didn’t tear the paper.
Throughout the day I thought about my blank slate. I thought about the times I had started over with things. I thought about things I never want to start over. I thought about the things I want to do-over and yes I considered regrets which simmer below the surface if I don’t shut the voices down. I thought about the “barn burning down so I could see the stars.”
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a switch to turn off the stupid critics, our parents at their worse moments, ourselves at our worst moments. Just tuck all that naysaying bull shit into a folder of a sub directory in the sub directory of a system folder that’s impossible to find?
I’m working on that. Daily. I meditate on a (more) blank slate using an eraser labeled “forgiveness”.
Meanwhile, a few days later I had to perform a mid-day reboot and when the system came back to life: it was my original desk top with all my prettily arranged file folders and my flower screen saver. It was a miracle as far as I was concerned. My old comfy desktop stopped pining for the fjords and came back to me. I can think of many things I would love to stop pining for the fjords and come back to me. Like the truck my oldest son totaled years ago; a Dior dress a friend of a friend borrowed and never returned; the perfect bungalow with the perfect front porch we sold when the family grew too big for it. . .
There is a lesson in this. But I don’t have a clue what it is and I’ll let you know as soon as I figure it out.