I took my boyfriend to IKEA. It’s not like he has always lived in the middle of the middle of nowhere so I was a little surprised he had never basked in the wonders and glories of the big yellow store. I’m a relatively seasoned IKEA shopper: Two bathrooms, a large closet, and a kid’s room qualify me for some sort of design merit badge. (I had people put all that stuff together for me) I warned him it is a maze and a gauntlet. The first Ikea trip is like losing your virginity. It’s either great or terrible.
I also thought he would half enjoy it because he isn’t completely anti-shopping. He likes thrift stores, big piles of crap at auctions, and doesn’t balk over antique stores. But by the time we were halfway through the textile department and just getting ready to go into the marketplace, I noticed his eyes were glazing over with that sad “I am so done” look people who aren’t hardcore shoppers are prone. Poor man I knew I had to get us out of there but what I really and truly wanted to look at were the dishes and pots and pans and the kitchen gadgets in the marketplace. I had to act fast. I had to bargain. I had to promise:
“Give me 10 minutes that’s all I need, I know exactly what I’m looking for.”
He agreed with a hard look telegraphing it better not be 10:30 or he was going to claw his way to the parking lot.
Because I’m that girlfriend, I was finished in less than ten minutes. But I couldn’t find him. I expected to see him standing in the middle of the aisle, a little tappy-footed but instead I found him tucked away and carefully considering kitchen gadgets. Not looking at them with in a “what the fuck” way but wondering if he had such a use for this thing or that thing. I think he was a little mesmerized by all that stuff in that gigantic blue and gold building.
I rushed to his side like he was a lost toddler: “I’m ready to go. Thanks for being such a good sport and when I come back this fall, I’ll come on my own. Promise.”
“Yeah that’s probably a good idea. Probably not a good idea for us to build furniture together either. But hang on, I want to look at the stuff.”
“Of course! take your time…”
He’s gonna regret ever saying that because resistance is now futile and before you know it he will be holding my purse outside a dressing room while I try on fifteen dresses.
Well maybe not…I love him too much to put him through that.